CHILDHOOD DAYS
I am sure we all have that one friend from our childhood days. I bet you had so much fun during those chill or unbothered moments of our lives. As I look back on my childhood days, I remember they were full of fun, but there were also days I felt lonely. I don’t know what friendship meant back then. We are meant to enjoy and play during our childhood days. Learning at that stage is very crucial. I picture it out like a new memory card. It is like you are uploading new pieces of information. Parents have a huge role during this stage. Whatever information is stored in our young minds will affect how we communicate and showcase ourselves in adulthood. Now that I am an adult, I understand we had different upbringings and influences during childhood. Our values and beliefs at this point were influenced by people and scenarios surrounding us while we were growing up. It gives me a profound understanding of individual differences.
SEASONAL FRIENDSHIP
As I mentioned earlier, I do not know what friendship meant back then. Now that I experience the ebbs and flows of friendship, I can fully understand what friendship is. Growing up, I met many people; I believe you also had many people in your life. But not all of them stayed. From kindergarten up to now, some friends have stayed and gone away. Some friendships were easy to say goodbye, but some were hard to let go. Just like you, I also had those inevitable changes in friendship. I had so many whys, too. Back then, I would ask myself if something was wrong with me. I can’t understand why this friendship I treasure has to end and fade like a bubble. Then, as I grew older, I realized that there are friends who fade away and friends who are meant to stay.
As time passed, I began to understand that not everybody will stay. At first, when I was trying to process and question why things had changed differently, I felt so bad about how fast things had changed. There are moments that I am mesmerized that, for a particular season, I was enjoying this friendship, and then before I know it, it is gone. Have you ever experienced that?
Saying hi or hello whenever you see that friend at a grocery store, mall or elsewhere felt awkward. But you know what? That is okay if you feel or think that way. There are seasonal friends. It is not a negative definition of friendship but more on the positive side of understanding why there is friendship that fades away. You are meant to thrive together during that specific season of your life. It will end whether you like it or not because it is just a seasonal friendship. The good thing is that even in the end, there is always something called “learning.”
UNDERSTANDING THE DEEPER MEANING OF FRIENDSHIP
If you are in that season where you are currently figuring things out, I want you to enjoy discovering the unknown. Friendship is exciting. We need friends in life. We need a community that will be there to support us during the hard seasons of our lives. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is defined as one attached to another by affection or esteem. There is a bond that brings happiness towards each other. Friendship is a significant investment in our lives. It is vital to choose the right friends in your life. Choose your friends wisely. Please understand that there is no perfect friendship. We are all flawed human beings. It is essential to recognize the right rhythm of the friendship you are currently in. Learn to show love and kindness inside the relationship. It is about giving and receiving. Also, conflict will always be present in friendship, but learn to define healthy and unhealthy conflicts. Explore and learn. It will unfold the unexpected beauty of a relationship. Savour and take care of that friendship.
I want to emphasize three different versions of this verse. This is true, and I can testify about this verse. Please remember this every time you step into a new friendship.
Don’t be fooled: “Bad friends will ruin good habits.” Corinthians 15:33 ERV Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” Corinthians 15:33 NIV Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.” Corinthians 15:33 NLT
Friends are precious. They are gold. Sometimes, friendship gets tested too. Your relationship will experience ebbs and flows. Learn to go with the waves of fluctuations. It rises and falls but go with its flow until you learn to swing the rhythm of friendship. When friendship gets tested, do not panic or do not give up right away. There is always a reason behind the test. Just like pure gold, it needed to be tested on fire to prove its genuineness. The same is true of friendship; there is testing and trial to prove its genuineness.
THE PAIN OF LETTING GO
As I start writing this part, my heart gets heavy. I remember the laughter that I once had with a friend. The laughter that we shared. Memories that were full of treasure. Stories that made us laugh and cry. Differences that we manage to rhyme. The ebbs and flows of our friendship were challenging, but despite the fluctuation of our friendship, it was a beautiful story to look back on. A friendship that I will never regret entering with.
Have you ever asked yourself when to walk away from an unhealthy friendship? Sometimes, you want to push the button until you see the result. It could hurt you intensely when you do that, but I will not blame you if you do or already did that action. I know that you are only trying to restore the friendship.
Remember this: Know when to walk away with love, kindness and grace.
It is time to let go of a friendship when:
- Respect is not present.
- The rhythm of your values and beliefs is not in sync with each other anymore.
- There are unhealthy patterns of conflicts that are affecting your mental health.
- Giving and receiving are compromised.
- You hurt each other intentionally.
As you let go of that friend or friendship, allow yourself to grieve. I know it takes work. It is painful and difficult. Feel all the emotions. Remember, you are not just letting go of that person, but you are also letting go of the treasured moments, the laughter you once shared, and the stories you value. When you pour so much love into a relationship or a friendship, deep cuts can occur when you need to let go of a friend who is dearly important to you.
Some friendships need to rest, go, and stay. In your current situation, which part are you dealing with regarding friendship? What is God telling you about that friendship? If you want to rest, please slow down and have that space to process. Is it time to let go? and stop holding on to what is falling apart? I do not know; it is only you who can decide. Or maybe you are meant to stay in that friendship. Then, ask God for wisdom on stewarding that friendship you are currently with.
Parting ways is the most challenging part. You can say goodbye with respect and grace. I believe you did your best to make it work before letting go of that friendship.
You can be honest and open about what you feel in a way that is respectful to both of you. If it is worth saving, then pursue that friendship. Again, friendship is about giving and receiving. You need to give for you to receive. Both of you should be willing to work things out. But if there is a pattern of unwillingness in the friendship, then that is the time to decide.
Letting go does not mean you completely stop loving that one friend of yours. Sometimes, letting go is a form of love. You can let go for the sake of growth. Maybe you can give more love from afar. Sometimes, it is unhealthy for both of you if you keep pushing things to happen, and they are not happening. It will give you so much pain and hurt if you continue to stay in a space where growth is unknown.
It is hard to go with the right flow when fluctuating in different rhymes. Friendship needs growth; if there is no growth, and you tried your best to cultivate that friendship, then having that space for growth is much better. You both need a space to grow—a space where you can grow separately. Also, remember that even if your friendship drifted apart, you can still thrive individually.
You’ll never know; from that growth space, something will bloom, and one day, you will thank each other. There is always called “restoration”. Always be open to possibilities of redemption. Redemption is not a “now” thing but a process of walking through a waiting season that will reveal how faithful God is. Surrender every control of your friendship to God. Allow Him to move in the middle of letting go. Be patient and trust Him.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE AND HEAL
Cry and allow those tears to flow through your soul. Embrace your pain, but do not live in pain. Let brokenness sink into your system. Recognize the pain, and from there, start healing your soul. Heal slowly, feel slowly—one step at a time. Remember, you are not healing alone. Your Father is closer than you thought. Closer than you know. He is holding your heart carefully. When you are tired of walking, He will carry you through. He is always with you.
Loss is difficult to deal with. Any relationship that comes to an end experiences grief. Behind the curtain of grief, you want a clear direction on which path to take to avoid feeling the pain. But you can’t hurry and prevent things up. Change is as inevitable as grief. Before you know it, waves of the unknown become visible. It is hard to define grief until you hear yesterday’s laughter. You begin to travel backwards. Then suddenly, you find yourself crying with so much ache, and it lands you into an emotional crash. You start moving backwards by reminiscing old memories. I think that is the picture of grieving someone you lost. You share a special bond with each other, which is why it is painful to bear.
Allow yourself to grieve. Allow those painful wounds to sink in. Grieve what needed to be grieved. In time, you will understand why that friendship needs to end at this point. You have to feel all the pain. Grieve the memories you shared in that particular friendship. Cry and allow those tears to flow through your soul. Embrace your pain, but do not live in pain. Let brokenness sink into your system. Recognize the pain, and from there, start healing your soul. Heal slowly, feel slowly—one step at a time. Remember, you are not healing alone. Your Father is closer than you thought. Closer than you know. He is holding your heart carefully. When you are tired of walking, He will carry you through. He is always with you.
“You are far in my eyesight but close in my heart, so close.”
One day, I woke up in the morning, and I felt loneliness in my heart. Then I wrote what I felt, read my bible and some books, prayed and cried to God to help me bear this unknown pain. Suddenly, this thought resonated in my heart: “You are far in my eyesight, but you are close in my heart, so close.” It is true that I couldn’t see God, but I can feel that He is present in my loneliness. I felt the comfort God wanted me to experience. He reminded me of this verse:
In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power to him forever! Amen. 1 Peter 10-11 NLT
Yes, you will suffer for a short time. But after that, God will make everything right. He will make you strong. He will support you and keep you from falling. He is the God who gives all grace. He chose you to share in his glory in Christ. That glory will continue forever. All power is his forever. Amen. 1 Peter 10-11 ERV
God will restore, support and strengthen you. He is establishing a firm foundation, a foundation that you never thought of or imagined coming. Be patient and trust God all the time.
FORGIVE AND PROCESS YOUR PAIN
Forgive yourself if needed as you allow yourself in the grieving and healing processes. Forgive those friends who caused you deep pain. You are giving that forgiveness not just to them but also to yourself. It is freeing to forgive, not for their sake but yours. God forgave our sins and died on the cross. He is our model of total forgiveness. I know it is hard; sometimes, you would say you have already forgiven them, but sometimes, it is not enough to verbalize. It is an everyday decision to choose forgiveness. Forgiving is never an easy process, but it is a necessary one. There is a quote about unforgiveness by Marian Williamson: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die”. If we do not choose to forgive, we carry that burden daily. While the other person can walk freely. We walk around with heaviness and grudges in our hearts, holding ourselves prisoner of pain and hatred. This unforgiveness will cause deep pain within us, and we can carry it to other relationships we have in life. People who are dearly close to us will suffer if we allow unforgiveness to reside in our hearts.
I do not know what kind of pain they caused you in that friendship, but I pray healing to your weary heart and soul. I also pray that all deep wounds will heal. In the process, I pray that God will show which hurt or offense needs to be uprooted from the deepest part of your precious heart. He sees your heart and will make things right for your sake. Do not sway things away. Allow God to process things with you. Allow God to mend your heart. He is carefully picking every piece that needs to be mended. God is and will always tending every detail of your heart and soul.
“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.”
Marian Williamson.
WELCOME NEW FRIENDSHIP IN YOUR LIFE
Say yes to a new friendship. You’ll never know what’s in store when you give yourself a chance to meet and know new people who are willing to be part of your life. I understand it will be hard to trust and be in a new friendship again. Know that you are a work in progress, discovering new seasons and new beginnings. It is a process to get to know a new friend or circle of friends. It is frustrating at some point because you have to introduce yourself again, but you know what? That is how life works. Be excited for new beginnings. We all need friendship and a community that will help us flourish in our daily lives. Friendship that is safe and trustworthy is possible.
There is always hope, and things will just eventually surprise you in a wonderful way. Pray and ask God if this friendship is for you. Do not please anyone for the sake of connection and belongingness. Allow the current to flow in the right direction. You do not have to push yourself. You will eventually meet the right friends at the right time and at the right place. Friendship is a broad topic to discuss, but remember the purpose of friendship. Ask yourself why you need friends and why you need to welcome new people or new friendships in your life. If you open your heart to a new friendship, that means you are letting them into your heart. It will take time before you get comfortable with a new friendship. Once you say yes to new friendships, be ready to let them into your heart. Allow them to see the good and messy parts of your heart. Do not be shy about bringing out the real you. Be authentic. Be real. Be genuine.
Sometimes, we don't know how important friendship is until we need a friend.
Remember that…
📌You may encounter challenges, hardship and uncertainty in the ebbs and flow of friendship; remember that you are brave in taking the risk of knowing and allowing people to enter your life. There is always a growing pain in any relationship. You may encounter painful episodes, suffering and hardship in friendship, but know that this life experience will provide you with growth and a lesson where you can grow and mature.
📌There is also friendship that reunites. You can open your heart to possibilities of renewed and redeemed friendship from the past. No matter how painful you went through, God can mend every pain of the past. God restores relationships. It will happen as you continue to pray. God sees your heart. Your friendship will be a picture of a strong and firm foundation of friendship once you pass through the deep waters.
📌There is beauty in every season of friendship. You need to look for that beauty. Be joyful despite the ebb and flow of friendship.
📌You are created with a purpose inside that friendship you have.
Love,
Charisse👸🏻
