MY FIRST HEARTBREAK
I remember my first heartbreak when I was 22. It was devastating. I build a high and rigid wall. I came to a point where I did not want to enter into a relationship again. It was a painful experience, and I did not want to open my heart again for another relationship. I am afraid to give my heart, scared to be broken like before. I do not want to get married either. Since I have gone through the pain that I have never encountered before, I built this strong personality inside of me as a woman. I am unsurprised that no one would man up for me because my guard was so high back then. I always knew that the man who wanted to pursue me would be intimidated by how I acted or expressed my words. If I feel like a man started liking me and he is about to open up what he feels, I will automatically distance myself. I have this automatic shutdown mode. I do not want anybody to enter into my heart again. I am so afraid to give my heart. I always say, “I am not ready,” “I have other priorities’’ or “ I do not want to enter into a relationship yet.”
HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART
When I had my first heartbreak, it was excruciating pain. I had this man in high school & it was a secret relationship. I was never open about it. It was a 6-year relationship. This was one of my biggest secrets back then; only a few knew we had a relationship. I never opened up to my family. Only a few friends know about our relationship. Every time we go out on a date, we do not stay close to each other; we always have this “2 metres away” rule from each other. We usually go out for a date that is not close to where I live. I’ve always been a very secretive young lady from my teenage years to my early 20s. Yes, I was controlling back then. I can manipulate things and lie. If people ask me if I have a boyfriend, I always have an automatic answer. I’d always say, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.
I trained myself to keep all my relationships secret. This man I fall for is kind and pleasant. I started to entertain him when I was about to leave for university. It was always like that. I’d always wanted to enter a relationship if I was about to leave. I am always afraid of entering into a relationship. I also know that I was not yet allowed to have a relationship during those times, and I should have been more focused on studying because that was my season back then. But I guess I am a teenager who wants to have fun and satisfy my curiosity. I know we all have that moment in life. I grew up away from my parents. I started to be independent and learned some basics of living independently. However, I live in our house in Manila with my brother, sister-in-law and their baby. My high school memories were planted there.
I always had a quiet aura; I was mysterious. I do not open things up to people; I am always silent regarding my personal life. If I have to describe it, it is so peaceful outside, but there is waging war inside. I experienced different kinds of emotions growing up. I’d always keep everything to my family and cry alone in my room. I experience big emotions; of course, I am young and do not open up; in that case, I’d always process it alone. I did this for an extended period.
MY SECURITY
I promised myself as a young kid that I would have only one boyfriend and that man would be my husband. I remember this being my thought when I was in grade school. Of course, that promise did not come into reality because I engaged myself in relationships from high school until college.
I was raised in a Christian family. I am not perfect, but I always wanted to have a godly man in my life one day. That is my prayer.
In 2016, I said yes to the man I liked. This was my secret relationship that turned my life upside down. At first, I thought nothing would be serious about our relationship because it is long distance. But before I knew it, this relationship would be my long-term one. This was the first time I felt my security was intact with him. I made him my world, to the point where I couldn’t sleep if we did not have a phone call or see each other. I depended my entire life on him; even the most superficial details in my thoughts I remember sharing with him. I was so in love back then. I became a controlling freak in the relationship. I know the password on his phone. I did not ask for it, but he gave it to me. I have access to his social media, which was not a healthy way to earn trust. I became a spy, I would say, in his account.
I would check his messages from time to time. I would ask him something about the message I read, and I’d get mad if the message did not match his answers. Our relationship became toxic. This man had a band back then, and I was paranoid whenever he was with his bandmates. They usually go to the bar to perform. They often practice, which is when I started being a control freak. I do not like him doing that before. I couldn’t give my trust one hundred percent because he might meet somebody in the bar. I settled for this kind of relationship for how many years. I am afraid to let go because I do not know if someone will still love and care for me like this man did.
I became the man in a relationship. I drove and led the relationship on my own. My personality is so strong that there is no room for this man to lead. Yup, I learned my lesson the hard way. I had never experienced a relationship where the man was a leader back then. I always have something to say or a decision to make. I always want to chase my boyfriend then. It was hard, but I stayed for many years because I wanted this relationship so badly. Until I noticed in our 5th year that there was a sudden change between us; he was so cold. We always fight each other, break-up words are always around the corner, but we always find a way to reconcile. I would beg him not to leave me. I would beg him for love. I do not know what my worth is during those times. I would say,” Please do not leave me.” It became my script for how many years. It became a routine for both of us until, one day, he wanted to break up with me.
I was about to enroll in the review center during this time. I was set to take my Medical Technology board exam when he broke up with me. For the first time, I felt the unexplainable pain. I thought he was joking. The same thing happened; I went to their house and asked him not to leave me. But this time, he would resist me. I am so scared because I feel that this breakup is real now. I went home so broken and insecure. I felt so alone. What I did was check his account and read messages in his inbox. I did not know what to feel when I saw a message in his messenger. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. During that time, I was in my denial stage. I saw clearly that he was talking to a woman I did not know. I kept quiet, and I never asked him about it. We broke up for one month. We did not talk or anything. I knew I needed to give up on this man, but kept fighting the relationship. I was so confused.
One day, I was waiting at the train station to go home. I went to the review center that day. I can’t remember clearly, but I believe we started to talk to each other again and had our communication back then. We met at the train station. I waited for him, and we went out to eat for dinner. I was so depressed during that time; I will make a separate story of my depression way back in 2016. I got diagnosed with depression when I was 22, right after our first break up. I tried to give my trust to him during that time. But I know in my heart that I should let him go.
Every time I see him, it reminds me of the words I read that I never opened up to him. I got cheated on, and it was hard to accept, but I tried my best to fight the relationship even if I knew back then that I should have let him go. I continued the relationship I had with him during my review seasons. Look, that’s how desperate I am during those times. It is so heavy. I was in a relationship, but I could not trust him, and I could feel the betrayal. Even if I think this way, I stay so desperately in our relationship, even if it breaks me.
I FAILED TO PASS THE BOARD EXAM
During my review days, I was lack of sleep. I was like floating in the air. I tried my best, but it feels like I am playing a game during my review season. Whatever the result, I know it will significantly impact my life. I also knew that I would fail my exam. Yes, I know that because I lacked focus during my review. Before starting my review, this is the season where my ex-boyfriend asked for a breakup, and this is also a season where I found out he cheated on me. I took my exam. Back then, I was not yet diagnosed with depression. I was not taking medication yet during this season. I knew back then that I needed to go to my doctor and get assessed for all the symptoms I had. I have symptoms but have not been diagnosed.
My name was not on the list when the test results were in. I did not know what to feel. I did not expect to pass my board exam, but my feelings were completely different when I received the result. I was so heartbroken. It was only 1 point for me to pass the exam. It was so painful that time. Before my board exam, I reconciled with my ex, but my trust was so broken. I was so bitter and insecure. I continued the relationship despite the brokenness. After the board exam, I went to a psychiatrist to have a check-up. I am thankful that my awareness of what I feel is so high, so I am resilient in finding ways to improve at that time. I was still in my relationship back then when I got diagnosed. I know; I was so dumb and pathetic that time, haha.
I GOT CHEATED ON
We tried to save the relationship. Despite the unresolved issues, I took the risk of committing myself to a broken relationship. I am taking antidepressant medication during this time, and my ex-boyfriend knows about it. I remember, one day, I was so paranoid, which is why I asked him to change his profile picture on Instagram. I want to test him. I want to have an assurance that I am still the girlfriend. He did change the profile picture with our photo, but because we broke up at first, he deleted our pictures on his Instagram account. His Instagram account was private, so only a few people could see our photos back then when it was not deleted yet. I was so suspicious that he might be cheating on me again. He doesn’t want me to check his messages, and he even calls me “crazy” or “paranoid” during those times. I felt so lost. I even believed him that I was paranoid and crazy. I started questioning my worth. I remember my heart was full of insecurities and bitterness back then.
There was a moment when he sent me a message that was not supposed to be sent to me. I have a strong feeling that he is cheating on me. The message was not for me, and I knew it because he called me a different endearment word. Then he sent me another message telling me we should change our endearment words to the one he sent me. Again, I am still in denial that he is cheating on me, even if I can really feel it.
A NEW ADVENTURE IS WAITING FOR ME
I need to find a school and study another career during those times. The plan is to go to Canada, but I must finish the required course for my Canada application. I was not really into going to Canada back then. I do not have a concrete plan. I follow whatever my family wants for me. I am thankful they planned this for me, or I am still determining where I will go. I honestly did not know what to do back then. I know that one day, I will visit because almost all of my close relatives are already in Canada. I did not expect the twists and turns that brought me here.
My ex-boyfriend told me to go back to the province and take the course there so that it would not be stressful for me to take the required course in Manila. He has a point because commute life is exhausting for me, considering that I was taking my antidepressant medication back then. I listened to him. My school in the province is just a walking distance from our apartment. I plan to stay in the province for only eight months and return to Manila after finishing the course. Yes, it will going to be a long distance again. Little did I know that new life adventures would meet me there in the province.
I moved to our province in Cagayan. Again, I was still in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. My relationship with my boyfriend changed so much when I was in the province. I am the one who constantly messages him, calls, and chases him every day. I remember he would turn on the automatic end call to his phone so that it would end automatically every time I called him. He was always busy. I started demanding time because I barely had time to talk with him. He would say he went somewhere with his classmates to do their thesis, and there was no signal in their place. Those kinds of stuff were reasoned out to me when we were together. I felt the coldness of our relationship. It is colder than the iced coffee you drink and more frigid than our -35 weather here in Canada. He always gets mad at me. He was so irritated in my presence. He was not asking for a breakup, but our relationship was slowly out of control. It is fading.
THE TRUTH WAS UNFOLD….OH DECEMBER
I felt he was in a relationship with another girl during my stay in the province. I knew then that I needed to let go of the relationship, but I had one request. I prayed to God really hard. It was December when I decided to return to Manila and celebrate Christmas there. I remember asking the Lord to show me vividly in my face whatever I needed to see so I would let go of the relationship for real. I said I will take any pain of this result. I asked God, “Show me what I needed to see.”
I then travelled back to Manila to surprise my boyfriend. He didn’t know that I had booked my ticket. When I reached Manila, I went home first, and then I went to their house. I had no sleep but decided to see him in their house. I have faith in the things I prayed for, but I knew, and I want a confirmation to be revealed straight on my face. By this time, I was so ready to let go. I am in a position where I accept whatever is going to happen. Back then, I had no clues or expectations; I knew in my heart that something would be revealed. I am confident that God will show me what I asked for.
I was at their house, and suddenly, my gut told me to check my boyfriend’s iPad. I was so skeptical. I was so scared back then because I knew in my heart that I would see what I asked for. Another thing I needed to learn was the correct password. His iPad is not Apple. It is an Android one. He has this patterned password, so I had difficulty memorizing it. I never memorized his password on his tablet. I always fail whenever I attempt to unlock his tablet back when we’re still okay. He would laugh at me because I completely forgot his password right after showing me the pattern. He would end up opening it for me.
I still have that strong urge to open his tablet. I know I should not have done this for privacy, but I already did. (So sorry about that, lol) I tried to open his tablet while he was away from me. He was doing something back then. I grabbed his tablet and tried to input the password I knew but failed to open it. I wanted to do it for the second time; surprisingly, I unlocked his password. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I unlocked his password. I immediately saw every conversation he had with a new girl he was talking with. I remember what I prayed for. I said I asked for this, and now it is all here. God showed me straight to my face. There was no need to check his socials; it showed up right after I unlocked his tablet. All my questions were answered back then.
I got cheated on by my ex-boyfriend not just once but twice with another girl for the second time. They were in a relationship the whole time we tried to get back together. I did not attempt to read the entire conversation. It was too painful to read every word I saw back then. I never told him everything. I never said to him that I knew what he did. I never talk back to him about it. I kept quiet and moved forward silently. I never mentioned his cheating game. It did not make sense anymore if I threw it in his face. Cheating is hard to fix. The trust was already broken.
I acted like nothing happened when he returned to what he was doing. I asked him questions: ” Do you still want us?” “Do you still love me?” “What do you want to happen?” “Can you tell me what you want to happen?” He replied with the answer, “I do not know.” I told him to please answer me with a yes or no. “Do you still want us?” He answered me with a question, “Did you see something”? I said, ” Why do I need to see something”? He said no, you do not need to see something. Then, he told me that He still wanted me. He wants me to be there for him when he is ready again to commit to our relationship. Yes, I was his option back then. It was hard to believe, but that was the reality. Suddenly, I felt the need to break up with him. I told him, if you can’t choose, I will choose. I told him, “Since you couldn’t answer with yes or no, I will decide.” From that moment, I broke up with him. He was so fine back then. It was just a normal reaction to him. For the first time, I did not beg for love. For the first time, I saw my worth. It was not an easy process. It was so painful on my end, but for the first time, I am choosing myself. I know then that I need to heal my heart.
NEW YEARS EVE
I travelled back to the province on New Year’s Eve. I remember being a chance passenger, meaning I did not have a ticket. I just went straight to the bus station to return to our province and waited for an available seat. After long hours of waiting, I got a chance to get a passenger ticket. I was seated in the aisle on the bus. I was so heartbroken and hopeless back then. My seat was not comfortable, and it was so small. I will have to endure everything for the next 12 hours. There was no proper description of how heavy my heart was during those times. I felt so insecure. I felt so helpless. I felt so alone and unlovable back then. I also felt so ugly and worthless every time I think about all the things that happened to me. I questioned my value. I felt like I was not enough. Everything was not enough. I felt unworthy to be loved.
It took me months to accept and process my pains. God was so gracious during this event of my life. My life became better and better after letting go of the relationship. I travelled to many places I had never been. Some of my travels were free. I was so joyful during my healing season. I met new friends and travelled with them. Some of these friends who crossed my path are part of my core up until now. I am so blessed and favoured after letting go of the relationship God wants me to let go.
It was not an easy journey, but day by day, God never fails to display His glory. He would always remind me of the verse Jeremiah 29:11-12
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
I hold on to His word. Truly enough, God will bring people who will help you along the way once you obey him. I had this surrendered heart throughout my healing season. I slowly withdraw my antidepressant medication back then. After a year of taking my meds, with a proper tapering of my meds, I can say that I do not need to take any antidepressant medication. I stopped taking my meds because I could finally sleep without my prescribed medication. This was my most incredible breakthrough during this season. My heart was joyful and secure. I began to see my value as a woman. I learned I am meant to be pursued and chased by a man. I knew I should not settle for less. I began to understand and see my value. I am worthy, beautiful, and loved. I learned so much about my value as a woman after the painful event in my life.
My relationship with the Lord was so intimate, and I couldn’t trade for anything that did not belong to His plans. I love Him so much to disobey His unique plans in my life.
FROM HEALING TO WAITING SEASON
During my stay in the province, I was healing and waiting for my papers to be approved for Canada. God redeemed my broken heart and made it whole before I moved to Canada for work. He trained me so well. He established a strong foundation in me. I am thankful for the things that happened. It was a painful event in my life, but it led me to the redemption of my heart.
If you struggled with the same thing or can relate to me, I pray that you are taking the steps God wants you to take. You will never go wrong in choosing Him. Maybe you got cheated on, or you have an unhealthy relationship; I want to remind you that God has a greater plan for you. You are wonderfully made. You are beautiful. Cling to Him. Give your heart to Him. He will take care of your heart. He will restore everything that you have lost. God is the great healer. His plans for you have always been beautiful. Trust in Him. Allow Him to work in your life.
Ask for help. Pray to God that He will give you the right people to be with—wise friends who are full of wisdom, can correct you gently, and can lead you closer to God.
This is not the end yet. This is a redirection of your plans into God’s plan. Amazing things will going to happen in your life. If life surprises you with painful memories, know that as you walk with God’s plan, He will surprise you with beautiful things you never expected or imagined.
Know that God is doing something new wherever you are in your season. This waiting or this healing journey of yours will be worth it. It will be worth the pain and worth the wait.
Isaiah 43:19
“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
Darling, you have a beautiful story to tell. It may feel so painful at this time, but I know that one day, those pains will turn into beautiful scars—scars that are healed and sealed by God. God will rewrite those messy chapters. Allow Him to write that beautiful love story of yours.
You are loved, favoured, and redeemed!
You will be ready and whole when it is time to love again. Trust God. He will never fail your precious heart.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes3:11
