Pinch is a Shallow Word

Have you ever felt overwhelmed? To me, it is the scariest emotion I could feel. Have you ever received news that feels like a pinch in your heart? Pinch is a shallow word to describe how painful it is when you are just fine and happy going through your daily routine. Well, I experienced that pinch, the twinge, the pang. There is no perfect word to describe the depth of the discomfort. As I write this, I am trying to go back to when I heard some news I was afraid to hear. Can I ask you one more question? I know you answered yes, haha. If not, then I am still going to ask you. Have you ever had those moments or days in your life that you know will come in time, that it will confirm and slap it in your face, but you are trying to ignore everything because you are terrified to face and talk about it? There you go, you are trying to recall, aren’t you? If not, then have some time to pause and think about it. How did you come out from the denial stage and face it bravely? 

The Process is Always Tricky but it's Necessary

Oh, I just checked my watch, and it is 1:59 in the morning. I am still in the mood to write, so let’s continue. Friend, I want to share my journey when I had that one moment of my life when I was afraid to hear the things I didn’t want to talk about. I may be trying to enter the space of provoking. I sometimes want to test how strong I am emotionally and mentally. You know what? It is not easy to enter a space you don’t want to be in; it is uncomfortable. Yes, it is not easy, but necessary. The process is always tricky, right? But in the process, you’ll find out everything; in the process, you’ll find our loving Father. Questions arise in the process, and answers do not come immediately in the pick of your emotions. I struggled in this area because I wanted the result right when I needed an answer. I realize that it does not work that way. There is a timing for everything. 

Too Scared to Face the Reality 

When I heard some stories I was afraid to hear, I felt like I was floating in reality. I will not deny it: I felt overwhelmed, and I felt that sharp pain in my heart. I do not know what to feel. I do not know how to be okay and calm. There is a waging war inside of me that I need to conquer, or else I will fall. That’s how I felt after hearing everything I was afraid to face. As I mentioned, I like to test myself to see if I can step into the space I am so scared to walk through. You know what? Even if I prepared myself for certain things, it is still different when it is happening. I know you have felt that too. 

There Were No Words; I Could Only Hear the Sound of Pain

That night, I ran to my room. I ask God to give me an express word I can cling to and hold on to. I ask him desperately. I cried so hard and fell on the floor because it was just too painful to bear. There are no words to describe how I felt that night. As I was crying on the floor, I couldn’t figure out what was the right word to say. I was frozen. My heart feels like it was stabbed by a sharp knife. I stood up crying (ugly crying). There were no words; I could only hear the sound of pain. I face in the mirror, and I look at myself crying. While looking at myself in the mirror, the display on the top of my bookshelf caught my attention. It was on my left side. I always see this decoration or display in my room daily, but no big emotions happen every time I see it. 

JOYFUL

That night, I saw it differently. It’s not a typical display in my eyes. It says JOYFUL. I read it differently, though. If you notice, in the photo that I posted, J and L are Red. Y, O, U and F are in the shade of green. Well, it is just a colour, but the one thing that surprised me was when I read it uniquely. I read it like this. JESUS LOVES YOU, my FRIEND. I cried even more, and I grabbed my phone. I connected my speaker and played the music at full volume. I played the music randomly until this song played and hit my heart. 

“I Got You” is the song’s title by Danny Gokey. The lyrics go like this. 

If I am your temple, You’re already here

Heaven surrounds me when I call Your name 

There’s nothing that You cannot change 

In every season 

I’ll keep on singing

In every sorrow 

I’ll keep on praising 

You’re always with me, I know 

You’re never letting me go

Here is the link below if you want to listen 🙂

https://open.spotify.com/track/0jbludNUb0EqbuTsnRpRmE?si=de72e127dc3e4031

I felt a Soft Poke in My Warrior's Heart

It comforts me as I continue to listen and repeat the song. I started to calm down and sat on the floor at the side of my bed, opened my bible app on my phone and went into the book of Psalms. God never fails me in a million times. I was reading Psalms 18, and it was a sharp turn as I read it. It moves my heart softly and peacefully, full of understanding of the love of God. In the beginning, I described the pain as a sharp knife stabbing my heart. As I was reading Psalms 18, from there, I felt a soft poke in my warrior’s heart. These were the verses I had during the Night of the Unknown.

PSALMS 18

Delight Yourself in the Lord

I pray that you will always have that JOYFUL heart. If you do not have a word in times of anguish, remember the word JOYFUL– Jesus loves you, my friend. 

Love,

Charisse 👸🏻

Read more: YOU HAVE A WARRIOR HEART: JESUS LOVES YOU, MY FRIEND